Bladder Rain Dances (And Other Social Reforms)

2 of April

From Saturday to Sunday I spent my hours in the hospital, so I had a lot of time to lay back and think about all the things that bother me and are, inevitably, wrong with society. My bacterial infections, parasite, and rotavirus had kept me from food for 36 hours, so naturally this was the first thing that I noticed had gone haywire while I salivated over visions of wet burritos.

1. Hospiten. Guys, I’m telling you this from the bottom of my heart: get better food. You have to grasp the fact that nutrition is eighty percent the determining factor between health and… not health. As a medical institution, it is imperative to take into account the dietary role in your patients’ condition. Serving me Bimbo processed, pre-toasted duck-feed bread with no expiration date after two days of everything in me leaking out isn’t a good choice. And when I tell you guys I’m vegan and would like something other than cold ham on colder bread, please don’t return with a plate of unseasoned, watery boiled potatoes and carrots. Those came from the frozen section of Costco too, didn’t they? So that made three days with no food, and when breakfast arrived with the Bimbo processed toast again, weellll… let’s just say that every conversation I tried to start in the next few hours had to do with Mexican food, no matter how hard I tried to settle on a different subject. I will personally see to it that you invest in a more health conscious, fresh variety of meal choices suitable for the varying conditions of the patients.

Another, very apparent issue that popped into my head was the cost required to do a natural thing that every human is called to do at least three times a day.

2. Starbucks attempts to suckle 112 pesos from every pee emergency. Every morning I run with Papa a few miles on the beach, or more recently, around town. This particular morning I knew I had to pee from the fourth block, but what I didn’t know is what a problem it would be. The entire morning was spent running around trying to find an open store with a restroom in it, to no avail; it was simply too early. Ten minutes later we are dashing homeward bound through the spinal cord street Quinta, and Pop advises me to check and see if the already cranking Starbucks has a bathroom. “Thank God, it woulda been Victoria Falls in another two seconds,” I muttered as I tried the door. The handle jiggled. I looked down. There was a passcode required. I rolled my eyes and strode back to the counter, “Disculpe-” and the barista cut me off in English. “You have to pay 112 pesos,” he casually responded without looking up from the mocha he was throwing together. 112 pesos? I don’t even have pockets! What kind of scam is Starbucks trying to pull? It’s not like they need the extra dough. (In case you didn’t know, 112 pesos roughly translates to ten dollars.) I ran back out more angry than ever, my bladder doing a rain dance of pee-pee, and the entire twenty blocks back home I couldn’t stop wheezing: Te odio Starbucks! 112 pesos! Even a tourist should know better!

33235085-Bladder-Control-Cartoon

Lastly, I’d like to address the unfortunate dilemma of fast food chains in Playa.

3. Here in Mexico, we have many of the American fast food operatives: Burger King, the aforementioned Starbucks, and of course, McDonald’s. In our plant-based, organic, and vegan household, places like these give us cramps and a foreboding sense of future retching should the processed junk be, God forbid, eaten. I told you about my wet burrito mirages in the hospital, and let me tell you, it gave me a hankering for authentic California Mexican food, which is sorely missing from the fast food repertoire. I know this sounds bad- living in actual Mexico and wanting the imitation stuff- but baja California has the best Mexican food in the world; they have completely perfected their craft. So why does Playa have to suffer with massive, gaudy, red-n-yellow McDonald’s “m’s” when we could be snuffing grilled chile peppers, melt-in-your-mouth Mexican rice and beans, and salty totopos with creamy guacamole? Where’s the Hole Mole joint down here when you need one? Seriously, the food industry needs to get their priorities straight. For the first time since commercialized business in food became a possibility, let’s go back to the root motivation behind a restaurant: serve good, healthy food to happy, polite customers.

Do you prefer to eat fast food or local mom & pop style? If you could replace McDonald’s success as an entity with a restaurant of your choice, which would it be? What other social reforms are in place?

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